I am a boomerang inside of a wormhole. My indecisiveness has led me to begin again on a journey from which I just came. Even though I am turning in a circle, it somehow feels as though there is a fluid forward motion to it all. This I can’t fully explain.
Here is what happened.
I was to fly to Arkansas for Christmas. Flights were booked. A mooring was made for Juniper in Ahe. Bags were packed. Presents bought. There were goodbyes only days after hello. A boat was taken to catch an interisland flight.
The Ahe airport is a small disco club. Everyone drinking beers at 10 am and smoking and dancing.
I sat there with thoughts that did sting. I was afraid to leave Juniper on a mooring without witnessing her in all wind conditions. Plus, as I sat in paradise, I received news from the states that seemed as if all was in disarray. The idea of flying further made me feel like a heifer in a herd on the way to being slaughtered. But, all my mom wants for Christmas was for me to be there and I want to make her happy.
Patrick said, “Follow the path with the heart, not the head. What does the heart want?”
I close my eyes. I listen. My heart wants to stay in Ahe, but I board the flight and fly to Papeete anyway.
I arrive in Papeete with no plan for accommodations and an appetite. I think it would be cool if I could stay on my friend Emmanuela’s boat, but I can’t reach her.
I decide to go eat at Casa Bianca in Marina Taina. I take a taxi. I arrive and there Emmanuela is, sitting at a table with her boyfriend, as if waiting for me. They offer for me to crash on the charter boat he captains. It‘s a 50 ft. palace with air conditioning and other luxuries, but you have to walk a weak plank to get onboard. That plank is why I couldn’t reach Emmanuela. She fell off of it one night and drowned her phone and credit cards and Gucci eye glasses. Now she can’t see or call or shop.
The three of us watch movies and make food and I sort of sleep. I am thinking too much about not going to Arkansas. I was just there. What if something happens to Juniper? I also keep getting emails that the plane has changed. The plane changes four times in less than 24 hours. What am I doing?
I don’t cancel my flight until three hours before it is to depart. It takes me that long to decide. It takes me calling my sister and asking what she would do. It takes her voice to solidify my decision and erase all guilt.
The only flight available back to Ahe is on Christmas Day. I book it. I don’t want to be in Papeete that long. I’ve already been there for far too long. I imagine days wasted in wilt and wait.
I then imagine myself sailing back to Ahe. Leaving right away. Being cradled by the waves. Just after I think this thought, I run into Luc who helped me rip Juniper’s teak decks off. It is 6 pm and he is about to set sail to Ahe with his son, Nino, who is 11, and his girlfriends son, Felix, who is 19. They invite me to join, but say that first they will stop in Tikehau. Twenty minutes later we are underway.
So here I am sailing the exact sail that I just sailed, except now aboard a catamaran. The name of the catamaran is Bad Kitty. Bad kitty’s original owners sailed from Panama to the Marqueses with kilos of cocaine stuffed in every crevice. They got busted upon arrival. Luc bought Bad Kitty at an auction and kept the name.
Bad Kitty can’t sail as close to the wind and she is not heavy enough to split the seas like Juniper. But she is a bigger and faster ride and her engine is strong.
We are sailing in tandem with another catamaran crewed by Felix’s brother, father and sister.
I have next to nothing with me. A tank top, sweatshirt, leggings, bathing suit, sarong, gifts for my family, and my laptop. I have not even a rubber band for my hair, so my braid is fastened with a clothes pin.
My moon time just arrived and I lack hygiene supplies too. I want is to sit in a bucket of cold water, naked, until it’s over. C’est la vie.
Anyway, it’s just me and my red moon, a man and two boys. We dance to reggae and eat fresh caught tuna and there are squalls and shooting stars and the sea. This is home. I am home. My heart belongs here.
I must always navigate life using only my heart. When I do, I am no longer becalmed. When I do, obstacles part. When I do, thoughts formulate instantaneously into my desired reality. When I do, wherever I am is right.