SHIPWRECKED

Dear Diary,

I felt sick all day. Nauseous, exhausted, jittery, spun- like a spinning top in the hands of some aggressive kid on too much Adderall. I should have known something was brewing, cause the full worm moon was on the rise and that marks a time of transition. It’s the Spring Moon, Sugar Moon, Wind Strong Moon, Sore Eyes Moon, Eagle Moon, Crow Comes Back Moon!  

I didn’t find out exactly what was brewing until 6:27 p.m. I had just been hypnotized by a Dr. Brian Weiss video. He wrote this book, “Many Lives, Many Masters,” that fell into my hand’s, years ago, while I was delivering a boat from the San Blas Islands up to Georgia. It was me and four men that I didn’t know. Three of them were seasick for all 14 days of the voyage. One of the seasick men was a commercial pilot and a genius, but he was also racist and threw plastic into the ocean and I despised his heartless ways and secretly delighted in his seasickness. I’m ashamed to tell you that. Sometimes my ego makes me evil.

Anyway, for some reason that seasick-racist-plastic-throwing man gave me that book. He didn’t know why and neither did I. He just tossed it to me and said, “I think you’ll enjoy this.” Then I was pissed because I really loved the book. Like I read it in nothing flat and was wishing for more pages and this atrocious man had given it to me! The book is a true story about Dr. Weiss’s accidental discovery of past-life traumas during a hypnotherapy session with a patient. He used to be a conservative, science-loving man. He was into hard facts, provable facts, physical facts, until this patient spiritually cracked him wide open. His belief, made me a believer.

FAST-FORWARD- we sail into the shores of Georgia. I open my email. Some strangers want to chat with me about producing a TV show for Lifetime. And I’ve never produced a TV show before, but I go to the meeting anyway. They start telling me that the show is about kids who remember their past lives and that it’s called “Ghost Inside My Child,” yadda yadda yadda. And I’m like, “Oh yea! I just read this book called “Many Lives, Many Masters” and now I’m super into in all that.” Their faces fell and with sun-kissed accents they said, “Girl, you just gave us goose-bumps! This show is based on that book!” I was hired on the spot. I can’t even make stuff like that up. How did a man on a boat randomly give me a book, and then a week later I randomly go into a meeting about a show based on that same book? You know how? Because nothing is actually random. Everything is connected! That’s synchronicity. That’s the light. That’s the love. That’s God. That’s the wild wild wild flow of life, and when you are in it, nothing can stop you from shining!

But here’s the thing, in my personal experience, I have found that the spiritual realm is like Star Wars and there is always some dark force trying to rip you out of that loving flow. It wants to eat your planet and suck the light out of your lightsaber. It preys on your weaknesses and fears and worries and anger, and it comes in all sorts of disguises. It’s the dark. It’s the devil. It’s the hate. It’s the Darth Vader. I know good and well that if I want to stay in the flow, I can’t react to anything Darth Vader does, but last night he tried to blow up my planet!

REWIND- back to the beginning. It’s 6:27 p.m. I’ve just finished the hypnosis and I’m on my way to play chess. Thursday is my chess night. It’s one board and 4 women. Me on one side, the three of them on the other and they’re getting good, so I’m mentally preparing for the battle when I get this message, “Do you have a minute to talk? I want to put you on with Jack to talk about Juniper.” It’s from Kamoka Pearl Farm, where Juniper is moored. The message is unusual, and it smells like fried fish, and now my heart is a helicopter, and my heads falling off a cliff, and my face is one big electric shock, and my body is sweating itself into a puddle. I breathe in. I breath out. I call. Jack answers. We’ve never met, but we know each other. He tells me that it’s been blowing up to 30 knots and the waves in the lagoon have been big.  He tells me that Juniper broke free from her mooring and ended up on shore. He tells me she was bashing down hard on the rudder and it took most of the hit. He tells me that her hull has some cosmetic wounds, but nothing too major. He tells me that they don’t know yet if she has any leaks or if she’s slowly sinking. He tells me that her electrical panel seems to be fried. He tells me that she must have good mana (life force energy), because this whole thing could have been a heck of a lot worse. He tells me, he tells me, he tells me. I cuss, I cuss, I cuss.

The idea of this potentially happening, has made sleeping nearly impossible in Arkansas. The number of times my lips have spoken the fear of this potentially happening, is innumerable. The amount of mediation I have done to release the fear of this potentially happening, is enough to put me one cloud away from nirvana, and now this thing is freaking happening! And it’s happening one day after I complete a major project about coral reefs! And I feel, deep down, that I only have my fear of it happening to blame.

It happened on a high tide, thank the heavens! Juniper landed on sand- 10 feet to her left or right she would have been on the reef- thank the heavens again. It happened during the day, hallelujah.  It took eight people and three boats to pull Juniper off the shore, the majority of whom I’ve never met- bless their golden hearts, I am eternally grateful. During the tow, parts of Juniper broke and so did the farms extremely expensive outboard, and I’m going to have a high price to pay for all of it- but everyone is still alive and that’s all that really matters.

I’m listening to the facts on the other end of the phone in Arkansas and all I want to do is get on a flight, or a boat, or a jet, or a spaceship, or bird wings, or teleport, or astral project back to Juniper, but I can’t. There is nothing that I can do about this situation. Not one thing. It’s out of my control.

This fact is hard to swallow because I love Juniper with every drop of blood in my body….is that too much? She is my home, she is my freedom, she is my rainbow and if there were no borders and no COVID I would have been back aboard her two months ago.

I hang up the phone, with my tail between my legs, and feel exactly the way I felt when my grandma died. Like a stoned robot. Calm. Dazed. Confused. Emotionless. I’m damn good at running away from my emotions with a poker face. Eventually I get tired, and they catch up with me, and I meltdown, months later, in a random place, like the grocery store. I turn into a hurricane, my sea spewing onto the cashier’s shoulder as she caresses me with her long-glittered nails and whispers “It’s ok baby girl, it’s ok, God loves you.” I leave a piece of me in that grocery store, then more pieces of me get scattered all across this earth and it takes a bajillion trillion gazillion lifetimes for me to collect them all.

Anyway, I get out of my car. I play chess… it’s always been my greatest escape in a city. The first game is a draw and the second one I win. I sleep. Sort of. I wake up before sunrise and meditate for three hours straight. I open my eyes; I walk the dog, I pray, seek laughter, listen to old country gospel music, write, surround myself with binaural beats, hike in the woods, and canoe among sunken cypress trees. I’m swimming upstream against the wind doing all I can to stay in the light.

This is just a sea change. I must embrace it. Everything is connected. Everything is connected. Everything is connected. I will not let this shake me. I will not sink. I have lost my mind one thousand times and I will not lose my mind this time. Darth Vader will not win. I will smile in Darth Vader’s face. I will thank Darth Vader for the strength this has given me. I will rebuild my planet or build life on another planet, if I have to, and when I do, I will never leave that planet come hell or high water. Mark my words, nothing will stop me. I am going to touch every ocean on earth aboard some planet, I will, I will, I will.

If Juniper is leaving me, then she was meant to leave and I will look forward to whatever is headed my way to replace her. As long as I keep looking up, life can’t do anything but go up.

I have a flight back to her May 4^th, assuming the country opens by then.  A new friend has offered to come help me try and repair Juniper and I’m sure that I will learn many new things along the way. I love to learn new things.

If anybody knows a boat about to cross the Pacific, I’d love to hitch a ride and get there sooner, happy to pay. If anybody has dealt with international boat insurance claims before, I would love to chat. If anybody would like to come help me try and fix Juniper, the more the merrier. If anybody knows a boat that’s floating around and ownerless and almost ready to cross an ocean- talk to me.

For now, please pray for all of Juniper’s saviors, may their lives always sparkle. And pray that Juniper stays put on her mooring until I get back in May.

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*P.S.- A lot of people are asking what they can do to help. Below are some ways.

1- Donating via my Contribute Page is a direct way to help me continue the journey. It also gives you access to Juniper’s tracker!

2- Purchasing anything from my Sponsors with the accompanying discount codes is a direct way to help me and get yourself something pretty.

3-You can also help by watching a documentary movie that I made- Sailing A Sinking Sea !